Without You
by Hannah Myra Myers
Summary: Kaidan and the crew struggle through Shepard's funeral after the Normandy goes down over Alchera.
1. Crash and Burn

__**This fic is purely angsty fluff, written after my having attended several nasty funerals in a short span of time. Fair warning.**

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><p><em>"Search for the answers I knew all long<em>

_I lost myself, we all fall down_

_Never the wiser of what I've become_

_Alone I stand a broken man…"_

-Breaking Benjamin

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><p>Joker's voice sounded over the comm: "Brace for evasive maneuvers!"<p>

The ship lurched and shuddered with the impact from the blast. Sparks and flame erupted from nearby bulkheads as the Normandy was put under fire. Kaidan swore under his breath as he grabbed his helmet and ran.

Running through the crew deck was an obstacle course of fire and death. Friends and colleges littered the floor and the smell of their burning flesh filled his senses. Kaidan didn't stop to think, just slipped on his helmet and kept making his way to her.

"Shepard!" He yelled above the sound of roaring flames and groaning bulkheads.

"The distress beacon is ready for launch."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?"

Another violent shudder caused him to fall into her. He used the momentum to shield her from another burst of sparks from the nearby console. She helped him to his feet and as he steadied himself she pressed a fire extinguisher into his hands.

"The Alliance won't abandon us. We just need to hold on! Get everyone onto the escape shuttles."

Kaidan began putting out the nearby blaze, adrenaline pulsing through every nerve. "Joker is still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He turned, rebellion smoldering in his eyes. "I'm not leaving either!"

His commanding officer made her way back to him and took the extinguisher from his hands. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." Another explosion knocked Shepard away from him.

Time slowed as he hesitated. Every instinct he had learned to rely on since joining the Allicance screamed that this was wrong. He could not leave her on the burning death trap that had been their refuge minutes ago.

"Kaidan, go." Shepard looked over her shoulder. Time froze. "Now." He could feel the intensity of her gaze even through the tinted visor of her helmet. Military training forcefully overrode Kaidan's instincts as he reluctantly turned and made his way toward the shuttles.

When the small craft finally landed Kaidan was the first to set foot on Alchera. Garrus was the second. As the crew poured out of their shuttles every face looked to the sky. Burning chunks of the Normandy plummeted into orbit along with the rest of her shuttles. Some of the crew simply stared in mute terror, some could be heard sniffling inside their suits, and others simply scanned the wreckage with dazed eyes.

The acting CO took a deep breath to calm the raging storm of anxiety in his gut and went to work. Slipping on his "soldier face" Kaidan began organizing the crew while Garrus and Liara assisted Dr. Chakwas with checking the survivors for injuries. Tali and engineer Adams made their way to an area free of debris in order to set up a homing beacon, Wrex stalking behind them with his rifle at the ready.

Kaidan watched the sky anxiously for any sign of the final shuttle that would be carrying Shepard and Joker. He had been counting the pods, knowing that six of the seven were already accounted for. However as each minute crawled by the lieutenant felt his calm façade slipping.

"Kaidan!" He heard Garrus call to him from the other side of the makeshift camp they'd begun erecting around the locator beacon. The Turian was pointing skyward to the west of the camp where Kaidan spotted the shuttle as it made contact with the planet on the far side of a snowdrift. He dropped the pad in his hand and ran.

It seemed to take an eternity before the man was finally over the drift and looking down on the rapidly cooling shuttle. He could hear Garrus barking orders and rounding up medical assistance. They all knew the decent would've been hardest on Joker.

Kaidan entered the code to open the doors of the shuttle. When they hissed open it took a moment for the lieutenant's adrenaline fueled brain to understand what was wrong. Joker sat in the only occupied seat with his head in his hands. He looked up but when he saw who had opened the door the man squeezed his eyes shut and put his head down again.

When it struck him why the shuttle looked so empty Kaidan felt his heart stop. "Joker..." he forced out. "Where...?"

Joker did not say a word, simply shook his head.

Kaidan stumbled away from the shuttle, away from the confused looks of Garrus and his rescue team. He walked to the other side of the nearest snowdrift where a large piece of the Normandy stood out of the frozen ground. The lieutenant put his hand against the hull of her ship and slowly sank into the snow as his heart shattered in his chest.


	2. Patient

_"…All I have is one last chance_

_I won't turn my back on you_

_Take my hand_

_Drag me down_

_If you fall then I will too_

_And I can't save what's left of you…"_

-Breaking Benjamin

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><p>Kaidan stared at the ceiling of their apartment as her scent wafted around him seductively. Some nights he would just lie in bed and inhale the familiar smells that still clung to the room. If he tried hard enough he could convince himself, if only for a moment, that she would walk in and berate him for his laziness or carefully slide into the bed next to him and lay her head on his chest.<p>

Of course it was these delusions that brought the pain back twice as hard when he realized that she would never touch him again. He would never feel the warmth of her skin as she snaked an arm across his stomach and curled into his embrace; nor would he ever hold her against him as she fell asleep.

_Knock it off Alenko!_ His own voice barked the order at him. _You're a soldier dammit! Now act like it!_ Taking a deep breath Kaidan forced the memories of her behind the wall of stoic duty he had been steadily building in the back of his mind. He found that the more he locked away the higher the barricade became and the more effort it took to maintain the emotional distance he had kept since his collapse on Alchera's surface. The lieutenant knew that soon he would have to deal with the raging storm beyond, but not now.

* * *

><p>"You can't be serious?"<p>

The question hung heavily in the air as all eyes leveled on Councilor Anderson accusingly. The older man sighed and looked at his hands folded on the table.

"I'm sorry. But there just isn't enough to go on."

"What about all the data we've collected?" Liara asked, her normally docile manner forgotten.

"What data? There is very little hard proof that the reapers…"

"If you want hard proof take a walk up to the tower," Wrex grumbled. "Or did you forget about the proof that is still scattered around this station?"

The councilor leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms as he sighed. He looked around at Shepard's squad and recognized the emotions sketched across each face: confusion, rage, sorrow, betrayal... Even Tali exuded anger beneath her environmental suit as she unclenched her fists and sat back in her chair exasperatedly. But the person Anderson was relieved to see emotion from was Alenko. The lieutenant had been a shell since Alchera and so far as Anderson knew had not spoken to anyone about his grief. Now the man's eyes burned with fury.

"So what do you expect from us?" Garrus asked heatedly.

"I expect you to keep what you know to yourselves and to be patient. I expect the crew of the Normandy to do their commander proud and not…"

"Do you really think the reapers are going to be patient while politicians decide what her life was worth?" No one dared take a breath as Kaidan slowly rose to his feet, glaring at his former captain. "If we don't act now, after everything we have seen and lost, then her actions meant nothing." Silence echoed through the small meeting room as Kaidan's gaze swept the group. Fire raged in the broken man's eyes as his focus finally landed on the councilor. "I refuse to do nothing."

Anderson took a deep breath and stood slowly. His gaze met Alenko's and he saw the younger man's eyes soften- if only a little. "I'm not asking you to do nothing." The councilor's voice was heavy with his own grief for Shepard. His eyes scanned the room again as he leaned forward to rest his hands on the table. "If we aren't careful Shepard will be discredited. The council is already trying to cover up Sovereign's true nature. That is why we must tread lightly." He met Kaidan's eyes again. "That is why I'm _asking_ you to be patient."


	3. Goodbye

_"Sing something new_

_I have nothing left_

_I can't face the dark without you_

_There's nothing left to lose_

_The fight never ends_

_I can't face the dark without you_

_Swallow me under and pull me apart_

_I understand there's nothing left_

_Pain so familiar and close to the heart_

_No more, no less_

_I won't forget…"_

-Breaking Benjamin

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><p>A long row of messages, flowers, and various tokens of appreciation lined the walls of the presidium as the funeral procession made its way toward the private auditorium. The council members walked slowly at its head, including Councilor Anderson. Behind them floated an empty casket with the symbol of the Alliance boldly standing out against the polished silver finish of the pod. On either side of the casket the people who had been closest to her in life marched somberly: members of her crew who had forged bonds of friendship through fire and strife.<p>

Kaidan marched across from Joker, the two of them in the lead as Alliance officers. Joker struggled with his crutches and occasionally received a hand from Garrus behind him. For once he didn't object to the help. Wrex walked behind Garrus in stoic silence. Kaidan could hear the quiet sobs of Liara who walked to his flank, followed closely by Tali. The six of them made up the honorary pall-bearers as the casket floated silently between them.

Lieutenant Alenko could feel the stares from the crowds of the presidium and the occasional worried glance from his squad mates but the looks did little to pierce his shell of grief. He had publicly maintained his professionalism over the past week through the filing of reports, investigations, and media whiplash. He had been approached many times, mostly from the people that now surrounded him, about his lack of emotion since landing on the planet's surface. He couldn't count the number of times he had heard "it's okay if you are upset." When presented with these concerns he would simply smile and tell them that if he needed to talk he would let them know.

However the raging storm behind his barricade was an altogether different animal. Kaidan could feel it getting stronger. It had manifested as a raging hole of loss in his stomach. When he heard someone say her name it jumped to his chest. When he was forced to speak her name it constricted his throat.

The procession entered the auditorium and made its way past rows of standing mourners. As they came closer to the dais at the front Kaidan found he recognized more of the crowd. Several colonists from Feros had made the trip, including Lizbeth and her mother. The Solarian strike team from Vermire stood together at attention with Captain Kirrahie at the front. Two of Ash's sisters were in attendance. They smiled sadly and nodded to Kaidan as the procession passed them. Corporal Toombs stood a few rows away and watched the casket move with hollow haunted eyes.

The surviving crew of the Normandy sat closest to the dais, each one standing at attention. Kaidan knew every single face, each one lined with sorrow. Dr. Chakwas caught his eye and gave him an encouraging nod, as if to remind him to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

When the procession reached the front of the auditorium Kaidan felt his barricade shudder as bitter loss ripped through his consciousness. A holo of the commander stood next to where the casket would sit. The image was a simple one: the commander in a stiff salute, her N7 armor gleaming as if it were brand new. Thirty seconds later the holo changed to one of her bent over a console while speaking with Presley. Various images taken from security footage or pre-recorded transmissions flashed across the holo and each one brought Kaidan closer to breaking. It was the final image that forced tears into his eyes. The holo was the only one to show the commander as she really was, as only he knew her; as only her crew knew her.

The holo was captured not long after Saren's defeat. Tali had been planning on returning to the flotilla after they finished their new assignment and had asked for a memento of her time aboard the Normandy. The squad all gathered in front of the Mako. Kaidan stood next to the commander, one hand on his hip while the other subtly wrapped around her waist as she leaned against him. Wrex and Garrus stood on either side of them both begrudgingly somber. Joker sat on the floor in front of the group grinning like an idiot as Liara and Tali knelt beside him. But it was the grin on Shepard's face that caused Kaidan's world to collapse.

She had only shared that grin with her people; the glint in her eyes clearly reflected the pride she had for herself and her crew. It seemed like certain blasphemy that it was now displayed for the galaxy to see when she had saved it for so few.

With the empty casket in place the pallbearers took their seats in the front row of the mourners. Kaidan had wanted to take a position in the honor guard that stood at attention behind the casket but Anderson had stopped him. The councilor had felt it would be inappropriate given the nature of his relationship with her.

Anderson approached the podium first. "We are here today to celebrate the life and deeds of Commander Jane Shepard: captain of the Normandy, first human Specter, and savior of the citadel." The crowd fell silent as the man's words echoed throughout the large auditorium. "When I met Commander Shepard she was a victim; a young woman forced to witness the annihilation of her friends and family. A tragedy of that magnitude would have devastated anyone else. But not Shepard." The councilor's eyes filled with proud tears as he smiled.

As the speech continued Kaidan felt the break he had held off thundering toward him. He could not pinpoint what had finally broken the wall holding it back, whether it was hearing Anderson's own sorrow as he spoke her name or watching the holo of her staring back at him, but Kaidan felt hot tears silently coursing down his face.

_I can't do this…_

He was expected to speak, to describe Shepard as the galaxy saw her. They would never know the woman behind the commander; the strong, beautiful, vulnerable, selfless woman who had given everything to the cause.

_And to me…_

Silently Kaidan stood and walked as quickly as he dared past the startled looks from the council and other spectators. He made his way out the nearest door and followed several twisting corridors, eventually finding himself on a secluded balcony overlooking the presidium. Kaidan felt the sea of agony he had been struggling to stay afloat on overwhelm him as he sunk to his knees and put his head in his hands. Tormented sobs wracked his body as he moaned in misery. Memories, both joyous and bitter, flashed across his mind as he thought of his short time with her. How had it come to this?

He could still hear her voice in his memories, as clearly as if she were standing next to him. "What are you so afraid of?" she had asked.

_This! This exact thing! I should never have followed that last order. I should have stayed aboard, done something. Why me? Why did I survive? I never wanted this! I never wanted this…_

Blue energy surrounded the stricken man as sorrow and rage mingled together in a deadly dance of grief. Kaidain could feel the implant at the base of his neck hum with exertion as he staggered to his feet and put everything he had into one biotic shockwave. It had no direction, but exploded away from him as he collapsed back to the floor, exhausted. His rage had gone, now replaced only by empty sorrow.

_How could you do this?_ Kaidan thought as he tried desperately to fend off another wave of pain. _How could you possibly think I could do this without you? How are we supposed to save the galaxy now? Without you…_

The magnitude of the task left to the surviving Normandy crew was not lost on any of them. Anyone who knew the truth about Sovereign and the reapers felt the same sense of overwhelming terror. With Shepard anything seemed possible. She had served as their miracle against unimaginable odds. Now the impossible task of stopping unparalleled evil fell on them. And there were no guarantees.

Kaidan sat there holding his stomach and trying to still his shaking hands for some time before he heard someone approach him from behind. Quickly attempting some form of composure the lieutenant wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his dress uniform and stood. Taking a deep breath he turned and was surprised to see Joker standing in the door, a crutch in one hand and a bottle of amber liquor in the other.

"Wow," Joker said simply, eyeing the damage to the balcony. It was only then that Kaidan saw the extent of the damage he had inflicted. Tables and chairs that had been standing when he had entered now lined the base of the walls in scattered states of disrepair. To someone walking in it would appear that a bomb had gone off in the center of the room.

Kaidain blinked as he tried to think of an explanation. "Oh…yeah, I…"

"You don't owe me anything Alenko." Joker hobbled further into the demolished room. Kaidan, seeing his destination, moved ahead of him and righted the table and a few intact chairs. He managed a small smirk and, fighting to maintain his calm surface, sat down across from the helmsman.

"You don't want to see the rest of the ceremony?"

Joker scoffed. "Hell no. It's all a show for the bureaucrats anyways. And when Udina got up there... Well, let's just say my exit wasn't as graceful as yours." Kaidan could see pain reflected in Joker's swollen red eyes.

"So… How are you holding up?"

The sincere sympathy in the man's voice caused Joker to visibly flinch. He looked around at the broken remains of the balcony furniture and forced a grin. "Better than you apparently."

"Joker…"

"Look, just…don't, okay? Don't."

"I'm just trying to…"

"Trying to what?" The pilot met his eyes and Kaidan was surprised to find them brimming with fresh tears. "Trying to help?" When the other man didn't say anything Joker continued. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be the reason the commander is dead, to know that she would still be sitting here right now if it weren't for your stupid mistake?"

"Yes…"

"No you don't!" Joker sat back in his chair and raked his hand through his hair, angry tears flowing freely down his face. "I mean…how can you, of all people, not hate my guts?"

Kaidan had been asking himself that exact question since the Normandy went down. A part of him wanted to blame the pilot.

_If Joker had just gotten out when everyone else did then she would have too…_

But he couldn't. With everything they had been through together on the Normandy he couldn't blame Joker for wanting to save her. He had been trying to save Shepard's ship and her crew. He had bought the survivors precious minutes they needed to escape. But all of that aside Kaidan could not bring himself to hate the final act of a noble woman he had loved so deeply.

"I could never hate you for that Joker." The ginger haired man looked up from where he had buried his face in his hands. "The last thing Shepard…" he choked on her name and felt his own tears renew. "The last thing she did with her life was save yours. And if you spend the rest of your life regretting her decision then she died for nothing."

Joker held his gaze for a moment before he slowly sat up in his chair. He nodded stiffly, as if he had not considered what the commander might say to his wallowing.

_What would she say to mine? _

An awkward moment passed between the two comrades before Kaidan finally noticed the bottle Joker had brought with him.

"So what are we drinking?"

Joker grinned and held out the bottle. "Good old fashioned whiskey. Not that synthetic crap but the good stuff from home." Kaidan accepted and uncorked the bottle as Joker produced a stack of small plastic cups from the inside pocket of his dress uniform. He pulled two cups from the stack and filled both of them. They stared at the drinks for a moment before Kaidan raised his. He smiled sadly through his tears.

"To Shepard."

Joker swallowed and raised his own glass. "To Shepard," he echoed quietly. The two men drained their glasses. The burn down Kaidan's throat caused him to cough but otherwise he didn't object.

They sat in silence for a moment before another voice broke the reverie. "You'd better pour another round." Garrus grabbed another intact chair and seated himself around the small table. Joker nodded and pulled another glass off the stack, refilling each glass.

It was Garrus who raised his glass the second time. "To the commander. Best damn shot in the galaxy." The two humans grinned sadly and nodded, both drinking. Garrus smiled after he had drained his glass. "Do you remember when we landed on that little middle of nowhere planet and she took down the thresher?"

Kaidan smiled sincerely for the first time since the Normandy went down. "You said we were screwed. Said there was no way the Mako's guns would scare the thing off."

"Heh, she proved me wrong. Scared the thing off with two well-placed shots. But by then the Mako was on fire…"  
>"...and she blamed my driving." Everyone chucked at the memory.<p>

It was not long before Wrex joined them on the balcony. He took in the scene and let out a quiet "humph" before seating himself next to Garrus. Joker pulled another glass from the quickly depleting stack and filled it with brandy. Kaidan noticed the stack only had two glasses left and knew for whom they were meant.

Liara and Tali walked on to the balcony together. Joker pulled the remaining two glasses and filled them. Liara sat down silently, tear tracks still evident on her blue skin. She smiled at him in thanks and took a sip from her own glass while Tali raised a hand to refuse hers.

Joker grimaced a little at his thoughtlessness. "Oh, sorry Tali. Forgot about the whole suit… thing." The quarian nodded but said nothing. Everyone sat quietly for a moment, each sipping their own drink.

Joker broke the silence. "So you think the council will be pissed we didn't stay through the whole ceremony?" he asked quietly.

Tali nodded her head slowly. "We did just walk out on the most widely broadcasted event in the galaxy… But I think she would be proud of us." Everyone smiled at the thought.

Wrex let out another "humph." "Who cares if they're pissed? Shepard spent the last year of her life pissing off the council."

"Do you think Shepard would approve of us wasting time like this? We all know the reapers are still out there..." Liara's question hung heavy over the table. Kaidan felt the stirrings of rage and doubt in the back of his mind. The council had certainly made a show of ignoring Soverign's existence, even before the Normandy went down. At least he knew Anderson was still on their side. That made the waiting a little more bearable.

Looking from face to face Kaidan could not help but feel strong bonds with each of them. Shepard had brought them all together, taken them into hell, and brought them back unscathed.

Joker raised his glass and looked around the circle. "Let's do one more for Commander Shepard," he said quietly. "I know none of us would be sitting here if it weren't for her." Kaidan knew those words had special meaning for the pilot.

Five glasses rose, but six voices sounded. "Commander Shepard."


End file.
